Are Your Friends Real or Counterfeit? Understanding Healthy Friendships Through Biblical Wisdom

Hey everyone! As I gear up for our upcoming Wisdom series, I’m excited to share some thoughts on our first topic: Healthy friendships and what the wisdom books of the Bible say about them. We have some amazing people already pre-registered, and if you're looking for a Bible study, we meet once a month. The first session is on June 25th at 7 pm mountain time. Click the link below to register and get on my email list!

Counterfeit vs. Real Friends

Lately, the concepts of "counterfeit friends," "bad friends," and "surface level vs. kingdom friends" have been on my mind. Over the past few months, I’ve been meeting wonderful women in similar stages of life, many of whom are therapists, social workers, and women of color. It's been such a blessing!

However, I’ve also felt the need to pray and reflect on the nature of these new connections. As I meet new friends, I need to discern who is genuinely supportive and who might just be acquaintances or distant friends. Not everyone is meant to be in our inner circle, and that’s okay. Recently, I went through a friendship breakup, and I've had other friendships distance or close out before. It’s the first one in a while, and it made me realize the importance of discernment in relationships.

In your late twenties, it's normal to have friendships pruned from your life. Whether expected or not, it can be confusing and heartbreaking, but it’s also God’s protection in some cases. Being in an unequally yoked friendship can take a toll on your character, integrity, and values.

Purpose of Friendships

How do you know what purpose people have in your life? Are we inviting counterfeits into our space? Are we connecting with the right people? Am I ignoring red flags? What are some green flags? And what does the Bible say about finding friends who walk in purpose with you?

When I think of friendships, the first book of the Bible I go to is Ecclesiastes. Some people find this book challenging because it can feel hopeless, but I find it incredibly encouraging. The purpose of the book is that everything is meaningless outside of God. If God is not in it, it won’t feel fulfilling.

Back in 2020, I was struggling with friendships and found comfort in Ecclesiastes 4:9-12:

“Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. If one falls down, the other can help them up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

Reading the message version of this earlier in the chapter, it's talking about a man who feels like he is working like a dog without purpose, seeking wealth and provision from his own works. Solomon responds with the verse above, basically emphasizing that we cannot go through life alone. It will be hard, lonely, and tiring, plus it will feel pointless. You may get what you need, but why not do it with someone? Why not ask for help and get support? For if you stumble, your brother can help you get on the right path. If you are cold, your brother is there to help you keep warm. It shows that there is strength in numbers.

Even in the New Testament, Matthew 18:20 says, "Where two or more are gathered in my name, I am there in their midst." Being in connection and community through everything we are dealing with matters for us. We are not meant to be alone, which is why it’s important to have friends we can rely on and help us in our purpose.

Characteristics of a Good Friend

The Bible provides guidance on what makes a good friend:

• Proverbs 18:24: "A friend sticks closer than a brother."

• Proverbs 17:17: "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity."

• Proverbs 27:5-6: "Faithful friends are better than false friends."

• Job 6:14: "A friend is kind."

• Proverbs 16:28: "Gossip can tear apart a friendship."

• Proverbs 17:9: "Forgiving an affront can foster friendship."

• Proverbs 13:20: "Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare."

• Proverbs 27:17: "Iron sharpens iron."

• Job 2:11: "When Job's three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him."

Job's friends also show the value of presence during a crisis, as seen in Job 2:11-13. Even if you don’t have words, your presence can be a great comfort.

Signs of a Counterfeit Friend

Based on scripture, counterfeit friends:

• Gossip and slander you

• Operate in anger

• Lack wisdom

• Lack presence

• Judge your circumstances instead of your character and integrity (like Job's friends)

• Lack forgiveness

• Do not build you up (iron sharpens iron)

• Are not reliable or faithful

Friendship Green Flags According to Scripture

Why is it important to identify counterfeit friends or those not meant to know every detail of your life?

I'm a person who loves connecting with people, but not everyone needs to know the intricacies of my business, my vision, and where God is leading me. Some friends see my fruits but are not part of my inner circle. Others give me advice and are meant to walk alongside me. We need discernment to know who is for us and who is not.

I have a solid group of friends back home and across the US, but since moving, I need friends who are close by too. I have a few that I am getting to know, and I am working on discerning their character. There is one for sure that I know is an iron sharpens iron, sticks closer than a brother friendship. However, as I mentioned earlier, I am meeting all kinds of Christian women looking for friendships, and it's important for me to be aware that not everyone is meant to be in my purpose.

Dealing with Difficult Friendships

If you have people in your life that you feel like you can’t let go of but know they are not for you, take it to the Lord. It doesn’t always mean cutting people off completely; it may mean being more mindful of what you share, setting distance, or fully letting them go. God will guide you through this process.

Reading Ecclesiastes and Proverbs has helped me, and God has called me to read Job to understand my current situation. The Bible is living, and God will show you what you need to know.

When you lose a friendship, there is a mourning process, but what God has called us to do is not easy. Know that God may have much better for us; He just needs us to let go even when it hurts. Sometimes, I will record an episode on relinquishing relationships and realizing when it's time to let go and how to cope with that.

Conclusion

Ultimately, we need friends and community. We are communal people, but it's important to identify the right people who will help you in your purpose and live out God’s will for your life. Holding onto friends who envy you, are jealous, don’t want you to succeed, or are too stuck in their own trauma to see your needs can hold you back. Seek out friendships that align with God's purpose for you, and trust Him to prune the ones that don't.

Thank you for reading, and I hope this post has given you some insights on discerning real vs. counterfeit friendships. Don't forget to register for our Bible study and join us for more wisdom-filled sessions. See you next time!