For years, I navigated relationships with a nagging sense of unease. People I cared about, from friends and family to romantic interests, would push back on my beliefs. Instead of seeking understanding, they'd dismiss my perspective. It was confusing and frankly, hurtful. This constant pressure to conform chipped away at my trust in myself. A particularly painful example involved a close friend.

Over several months, she'd consistently invalidate my experiences with another friend. It wasn't until she had a similar negative experience with this same person that she finally understood and validated my perspective. This experience solidified my convictions. I shouldn't have to endure mistreatment in order to be believed. It was time to stop contorting myself to fit other people's molds and prioritize setting boundaries for my own well-being.

My Perspective on the Evolution of Boundaries

My first foray into writing about boundaries focused on the essential principles – why we set them and how to get started. What I've come to understand since then is that boundaries are a living entity, not a fixed state. They adapt as we do, influenced by life's seasons, personal growth, and changing values.

Initially, my focus was on helping people grasp the very concept of boundaries, especially for those with loose or unclear ones. Unestablished boundaries lead to misunderstandings. In contrast, firm boundaries showcase intentionality. Removing oneself from a situation isn't impulsiveness; it's a conscious choice to avoid an environment that clashes with your boundaries.

This deeper dive highlights the crucial role of self-trust. When setting boundaries, we must trust our instincts and the reasons behind them. It's not about being difficult or inconsiderate. It's about recognizing the need to prioritize our well-being – emotional, mental, physical, and even financial.

We can't control how others react. Some might perceive boundaries as threats or inconveniences. That's okay. We can't control their perspective, but we can stand firm in our convictions.

Remember, boundaries exist for a reason. They address situations where we've experienced disrespect, anger, frustration, or confusion. We weren't being heard or our needs weren't being met. The purpose of a boundary isn't to seek external validation; it's to protect ourselves when our well-being is compromised.

Boundaries and Relationship Dynamics

Healthy boundaries aren't about isolating yourself; they're about fostering genuine connection. This has certainly been the case in my own life. Previously, a recurring issue in my friendships was feeling like I was asking for the moon when I simply requested the bare minimum. This instilled a sense of obligation to downplay my needs.

Thankfully, things have changed. My current friendships are built on reciprocity. These are people who genuinely care about me. They're there for me – from offering support during a break-up to simply checking in when I'm under the weather. There's a sense of mutual respect and understanding.

Financial reciprocity is another positive aspect. Friends who borrow money repay me, and sometimes, the generosity goes both ways. These gestures may seem small, but they speak volumes about the level of respect and care within the friendship.

Most importantly, I've come to realize that what I once considered the "bare minimum" was, in fact, a healthy expectation. True friends don't find our emotions or needs burdensome. They show up for us, creating a space where we feel valued and loved for who we are. Healthy boundaries allow us to experience connection without feeling like we're constantly giving more than we receive. This, in turn, fosters stronger, more fulfilling relationships. It's a beautiful reminder that our emotions and needs matter, and that nurturing healthy boundaries allows us to find people who cherish us for exactly who we are.

Trusting Your Gut, Intuition, and Faith

Learning to trust my gut wasn't easy. For years, I prioritized external validation, silencing my inner voice. As a therapist, I'm skilled at spotting manipulative behavior in clients, but in my personal life, the lines blurred. It played out in various ways. My family, though loving, didn't equip me with the tools to advocate for myself. Friends who initially showered me with praise would turn dismissive when I asserted my boundaries. My most recent job followed a similar pattern. Initially, I was encouraged and praised. Then, when I confidently used my skills, the narrative shifted. Suddenly, I was "doing too much" or "not considering other perspectives." This constant gaslighting chipped away at my trust in myself.

A similar dynamic unfolded in my most recent relationship. An emotionally immature person presented my "bare minimum" expectations as unreasonable. A simple request like planning a date night became an ordeal. Excuses like "anxiety" masked a lack of effort. While mental health is important, it shouldn't be an excuse for inconsiderate behavior.

Here's where my intuition stepped in. These recurring patterns triggered a red flag. Was I truly asking too much by wanting a partner to contribute to the relationship? Seeking clarity, I went to therapy and even created a "pros and cons" list for the relationship. The answer became clear: these dynamics weren't healthy for me. My intuition, which I had been silencing for so long, had been right all along.

Faith also plays a significant role in my life. I believe in seeking God's guidance before making important decisions. During my recent friendship breakup, I prayed for clarity. The answer wasn't a condemnation, but a gentle nudge to soften my directness at times. This resonated deeply; I could refine my approach without compromising my boundaries.

This journey has taught me a valuable lesson: trusting my gut, intuition, and faith is paramount. It's not about impulsiveness; it's about acting with intention and conviction. When I prioritize these inner signals, I make choices that align with my values and well-being. It's a continuous process, but one that empowers me to navigate life with greater clarity and self-respect.

Trusting Your Gut, Intuition, and Faith

Learning to trust my gut wasn't easy. For years, I prioritized external validation, silencing my inner voice. As a therapist, I'm skilled at spotting manipulative behavior in clients, but in my personal life, the lines blurred. It played out in various ways. My family, though loving, didn't equip me with the tools to advocate for myself. Friends who initially showered me with praise would turn dismissive when I asserted my boundaries. My most recent job followed a similar pattern. Initially, I was encouraged and praised. Then, when I confidently used my skills, the narrative shifted. Suddenly, I was "doing too much" or "not considering other perspectives." This constant gaslighting chipped away at my trust in myself.

A similar dynamic unfolded in my most recent romantic relationship. An emotionally immature person presented my "bare minimum" expectations as unreasonable. A simple request like planning a date night became an ordeal. Excuses like "anxiety" masked a lack of effort. While mental health is important, it shouldn't be an excuse for inconsiderate behavior.

Here's where my intuition stepped in. These recurring patterns triggered a red flag. Was I truly asking too much by wanting a partner to contribute to the relationship? This constant dismissal chipped away at my trust in myself and the relationship. Faith plays a significant role in my life, and I believe in seeking guidance when things feel off-center. During this time, I prayed for clarity. The answer wasn't a condemnation, but a quiet confirmation that my intuition was right. This relationship wasn't healthy for me.

This journey has taught me a valuable lesson: trusting my gut and faith is paramount. It's not about impulsiveness; it's about acting with intention and conviction. When I prioritize these inner signals, I make choices that align with my values and well-being. It's a continuous process, but one that empowers me to navigate life with greater clarity and self-respect.

Common Boundary Challenges and How to Navigate Them

Setting boundaries can feel daunting, especially when faced with common challenges. Here are a few I frequently encounter in my work:

• Discrediting Emotions: Clients often dismiss their feelings as irrational. While emotions can be deceptive, they also serve a purpose. I emphasize emotional regulation, a cornerstone of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). This allows clients to access their "wise mind," a balanced space where both logic and emotion inform decisions. By understanding their emotional cues (e.g., fear, anxiety), clients can identify the root of the issue and set boundaries accordingly.

• Fear of Losing Connections: A major concern is jeopardizing friendships. However, healthy boundaries are a sign of self-respect, and true friends will be open to communication. Setting a boundary doesn't imply you're "right" and they're "wrong"; it simply means adjusting dynamics for better compatibility.

• Being Perceived as Mean: The misconception exists that boundaries are cruel. On the contrary, clear communication is a form of kindness. Constantly "playing nice" can lead to resentment and ultimately, please nobody. Open communication is crucial for healthy relationships.

• Boundaries Not Being Respected: We can't control how others react. Our focus should be on the "why" behind our boundaries. If someone disregards a boundary, consequences may be necessary. For example, a friend who repeatedly borrows money without repaying it might be denied future loans. This enforces the boundary while acknowledging that financial support is a privilege, not a right.

• Validating Emotions: It's important to acknowledge the source of emotions like frustration, anger, or confusion. These feelings often arise for a reason. Validating intuition and listening to emotional cues empower clients to set effective boundaries.

By addressing these challenges head-on, we can navigate the process of setting boundaries with greater clarity and confidence. It's a journey of self-discovery, leading to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Empowering Yourself Through Boundaries

Remember, your emotions exist for a reason. Learn to distinguish between intuition (a sense of something being "off") and healthy skepticism. Not every situation is a personal attack. We can be wrong sometimes, and self-awareness is key to recognizing when boundaries serve a greater good versus stemming from fear of being wrong.

This journey isn't about self-validation at all costs. Some of us, especially those who have experienced invalidation, manipulation, or toxic relationships, may genuinely be the source of problems in certain situations. Perhaps you haven't yet developed strong communication skills, or maybe you're still healing from past experiences. This doesn't diminish the importance of boundaries; it simply highlights the need for self-reflection alongside boundary setting.

On the other hand, some people will try to exploit your boundaries to exert control. Often, these are those who have invalidated or gaslighted you in the past. They may use your desire for connection against you, chipping away at your self-esteem. Trusting your gut in these situations is crucial. Healthy relationships build you up, not tear you down.

If you've been in relationships like these, it's easy to feel confused about your reality. Start rebuilding healthy trust in yourself and your intuition. Consider therapy or coaching to gain clarity and develop effective communication skills.

Building a Supportive Future

Remember, there's a difference between therapy and coaching. Therapy often focuses on healing past trauma and developing coping skills, while coaching emphasizes goal-setting and future aspirations. Both can be incredibly helpful on your journey. These resources can equip you with the tools to navigate life with greater confidence and self-control.

If you're looking for support, I'd be happy to help! I offer both mini-coaching sessions and 12-week programs tailored to your specific needs.

Thank you for reading. I hope this empowers you to take charge of your life by setting healthy boundaries. Let's connect soon!