Deconstructing the "Ride or Die" Myth:

The "ride or die" friend myth is something we often internalize from a young age. It's romanticized to the point where we believe that putting up with unhealthy behavior is just part of having a long-term friendship. We think that because we have shared history, this is how friendships work, and that loving a friend means sticking by them no matter what. However, this mentality can lead us to conform to relationships that hinder our growth.

Defining the "Ride or Die" Friend:

We often romanticize the "ride or die" friend. These are the friends who seem to embody unwavering loyalty, the ones we can always count on, no matter what. They're the shoulder to cry on during tough times, the cheerleader at our biggest moments, and the keeper of our deepest secrets. As the article "Social Self Talk" mentions, these friendships are characterized by a sense of constant presence, reliability, and fierce protectiveness. They're there to celebrate our victories, big or small, and make even boring errands enjoyable with their company. In a perfect world, they're the friends we consider family, a bond forged through shared experiences and unwavering support.

- Always there: They're present for you through thick and thin, good times and bad.

- Keep promises: They're reliable, following through on their commitments.

- Secretive: They keep your secrets safe, taking them to the grave (within reason!).

- Loyal defender: They always have your back, standing up for you no matter what.

- Brutal honesty: They're honest and truthful, even when it's uncomfortable to hear.

- Fun companions: They can make seemingly mundane activities enjoyable.

- Reliable support: They're there for you when you need help, even if it means bailing you out of trouble (sometimes!).

- Prioritize you: You feel like you're a top priority in their life.

- Family bond: You consider them more than just a friend; they're like family.

- Unbreakable bond: Your friendship has weathered any storm, seemingly unbreakable.

The Drawbacks of Unconditional Loyalty:

While the core qualities of a "ride or die" friend sound admirable, the issue arises when unconditional loyalty becomes a double-edged sword. The desire to constantly be there for your friend can morph into neglecting your own needs and boundaries. Imagine a situation where your friend is constantly asking for financial help, even when it strains your own budget. Saying no might feel like a betrayal of the "ride or die" ideal, but constantly enabling this behavior can lead to resentment and financial strain on your end.

- Unconditional loyalty warps into people-pleasing: The desire to always be there can morph into neglecting your own needs to appease your friend.

- Boundaries become blurry: The line between loyalty and enabling unhealthy behavior blurs when you overlook their mistakes.

- Disrespect and toxicity become acceptable: True friendship shouldn't tolerate disrespect or toxicity, even in the name of loyalty.

Furthermore, the line between loyalty and enabling unhealthy behavior can easily blur. Perhaps your friend consistently makes bad choices, and you find yourself constantly "cleaning up their mess." While being there for someone during a rough patch is a sign of a strong friendship, overlooking chronic bad behavior without encouraging accountability isn't healthy for either of you.

- Emotional toll: Constantly supporting someone through bad choices can be emotionally draining.

- True friendship shouldn't tolerate disrespect or toxicity, even in the name of loyalty. If your friend constantly criticizes you, puts you down, or expects you to tolerate bad behavior, that's not a healthy dynamic. A "ride or die" friend should be someone who encourages your growth and calls you out when you're wrong, not someone who drags you down.

My Values, My Boundaries:

As a counselor and coach, I often discuss values and boundaries with my clients, which are central to how I approach my relationships. I value self-growth and awareness, which means I need my friends to recognize if an issue is truly about me or if it’s a personal projection they're struggling with. I can take feedback and apologize if I’m wrong, but there needs to be a mutual understanding that not everything is someone else’s fault and a willingness to grow from these experiences. This could mean seeking therapy for emotional regulation.

Honesty in communication is crucial. I appreciate when people are open about their frustrations instead of bottling things up and lashing out later. My faith also plays a significant role in my relationships; I need to discuss and grow in my faith with my friends. Kindness, humor, and authenticity matter immensely. I want friends who respect and genuinely enjoy being around me, who can laugh with me and be their true selves.

Respect in a relationship means feeling valued and supported. It involves communicating needs, not bottling up frustrations and lashing out later. It also means working on personal growth and not blaming others for things that

How These Values Translate into Boundaries:

**Responsibility and Communication:**

If I’ve upset someone and they bring it up months later during an outburst, it’s not just on me—it’s also on them. I can take responsibility for my actions, but they need to communicate issues in a timely manner. Disrespecting me, tearing down my character, and then playing the victim is unacceptable and a quick way to end a friendship.

**Avoiding Stagnation:**

I don’t appreciate stagnation. While I understand that everyone faces hard times, I expect effort toward personal growth. If someone pauses their life for an entire year without making any effort to improve and then lashes out at me for unrelated frustrations, it reflects poorly on their commitment to growth and impacts the relationship negatively.

For instance, I had a friend who lost her job but had a safety net. When things didn’t go well for her, she lashed out at me a year later, blaming me for her problems without proper communication. She gave a half-hearted apology, showing a lack of respect and understanding. This told me she wasn’t a friend I could trust or rely on for mutual growth, leading to the end of that friendship. Though it was uncomfortable and I'm still healing from it, it was necessary. Now, I cherish friendships that build up my character and support my healing.

Reflecting on past relationships, like those from four years ago when I lashed out due to bottled-up frustrations, I learned the importance of communication and mutual respect. Apologizing for my outburst was crucial, but I also realized those friends never spoke life into me or celebrated my successes. They demanded my attention but didn’t reciprocate. For example, one friend didn’t care about my graduation or my acceptance into a top graduate program but demanded congratulations for their engagement. These double standards were exhausting.

**True Friendship: Beyond Labels:**

**Redefining Friendship:**

Having clear-cut values for your relationships is far more satisfying than expecting people to just know what you want and what you need, or expecting them to conform to a version that pleases you. When there's no mutual respect and lack of communication, feelings get hurt. Genuine friendships are built on mutual respect, honesty, and growth.

**The Strength of Supportive Friendships:**

The idealized "ride or die" just isn't it. Rather than viewing friendships in terms of labels, focus on what supportive friendships look like when values and boundaries are set in place. Boundaries don't mean dictating terms; they involve honest conversations and modifications based on mutual understanding and respect.

While it may be tempting to cling to friendships that no longer serve you, it's essential to reflect on what's working and what's not. Seek relationships that uplift you, where there's mutual respect and love, and where boundaries are respected. Authentic connections with friends who share your values are invaluable. Don't settle for less, and don't conform to places where you don't belong. Find those friends who celebrate your victories and support your growth.

In conclusion, maintaining healthy boundaries based on respect, communication, and mutual growth is essential. It's not about being a "ride or die" friend who tolerates everything, but about nurturing relationships that are supportive, honest, and growth-oriented. Cherish those friendships that build you up and support your healing journey.

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Feel free to let me know if there are any further adjustments or additions you'd like to make!