Making Peace with What You Can’t Understand: The Power of Acceptance Over Asking Why
“How could they do that? I just don’t understand how someone could behave that way.”
If you’ve found yourself wrestling with questions like this, you're not alone. In fact, if you’re anything like many of the high achievers I work with (yes, I’m talking about you), you’ve probably spent endless nights turning this question over in your mind, trying to make sense of someone else's irrational or toxic behavior. Why did they act that way? What were they thinking? Why don’t they see the harm they caused?
I get it. It's tough. The need to understand others' motives is almost reflexive, especially when you're someone who prides yourself on logic, empathy, and accountability. But here's the thing—the reason you're spinning your wheels trying to make sense of someone else's behavior is simple: you wouldn’t do what they did. That’s exactly why you can't understand it.
I’ve spent years studying human behavior and the intricacies of the mind, but even with that understanding, I’m here to tell you that sometimes, no amount of rationalization will make certain behaviors make sense. And that’s okay. Some things are simply beyond your ability to comprehend because you've never operated from a space of recklessness, selfishness, or disregard. You’ve never given yourself permission to hurt others without consequence. You’ve always been the responsible one—the caregiver, the fixer, the one who steps in to clean up everyone else’s mess.
You Would Never Do What They Did, and That’s the Point
When you find yourself stuck in the endless loop of “why” questions, it’s essential to acknowledge that the very reason you struggle to understand toxic behavior is because it goes against everything you stand for. It’s outside of your worldview. You've spent a lifetime being responsible for your actions and emotions, and in many cases, the actions and emotions of those around you. You've taken on the collateral damage of other people's incompetencies because you care. You think before you act, you consider the impact your decisions have on others, and you always clean up your mess.
Now think about this for a second—how can you possibly comprehend the actions of someone who has never had to bear the same responsibilities you have? It’s impossible to fit their behavior into your framework because they operate under a different set of rules, or maybe, no rules at all.
This can be particularly hard for those of you who grew up as the parentified child—the eldest, the one who had to mature faster than others because the adults in your life didn't or couldn't take responsibility. You were forced to navigate spaces that most people don't encounter until later in life, juggling the responsibilities of adulthood while still being treated as a child. You became the caregiver for everyone, and in doing so, you learned to suppress your own needs and emotions. The less space you take up, the more space they overtake.
The Punch to the Gut: Realizing It's Not About You
Phew, that’s a punch to the gut, isn’t it? Realizing that you’ve been functioning as the emotional caretaker for those who should have been caring for you can bring up a lot of anger, frustration, and even grief. You’ve spent so much time trying to “understand” their actions, only to realize that their decisions were never meant to make sense to you. They were operating from a place of self-interest, and the harsh reality is that sometimes people don’t act with your well-being in mind.
But here’s the most freeing truth I can offer you: You don’t have to understand why they did what they did in order to heal and move forward. Acceptance doesn’t require understanding. It requires letting go.
The Freedom in Letting Go of "Why"
So how do you let go of the need to understand? How do you make peace with what feels so senseless?
The answer is in acceptance.
Acceptance doesn’t mean condoning someone’s toxic behavior or pretending it didn’t hurt you. It doesn’t mean minimizing your pain or rationalizing their actions. Acceptance means acknowledging that their actions, however incomprehensible, are theirs to own. It means releasing yourself from the burden of trying to figure out something that is fundamentally not yours to figure out.
When you let go of the need for answers, you free yourself. You stop replaying scenarios, wondering what you could have done differently, or how you could have changed the outcome. You accept that not everything is within your control—and that’s okay.
Creating Space for Yourself by Releasing Others
For many of you, the idea of letting go might feel uncomfortable at first. You've spent your life being the one who holds everything together, the one who smooths over rough edges and ensures that everyone else is okay. Letting go might feel like giving up or losing control.
But I want to challenge you to reframe it. Letting go is not about losing control; it’s about reclaiming your power. It's about choosing to take up more space for yourself—not just as the caregiver, but as a whole person with needs, desires, and emotions that deserve attention.
The more you release the responsibility of others' actions, the more room you create for your own growth and healing. You stop asking "why" and start asking, "How do I want to move forward from here?" You stop focusing on their behavior and start focusing on your boundaries, your peace, and your well-being.
Stepping Into Your Own Power
When you finally make peace with what you can’t understand, you step into your own power. You realize that their actions, their choices, and their inability to be accountable are not reflections of your worth or value. You are not responsible for making sense of their dysfunction. Your responsibility is to yourself—to honor your feelings, set clear boundaries, and take up the space you deserve.
So, the next time you find yourself caught in the loop of “why,” remember this: The reason you can’t make sense of it is because you wouldn’t do it. And that’s a good thing. Not everything deserves your energy, and not everything requires your understanding. Some things you just accept, release, and move forward from.
Make peace with the chaos, and watch how much lighter you feel. Acceptance over answers—that’s where your true freedom lies.
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